Step Four

Introduction

Alcoholics Anonymous is an organization of people helping each other to recover from the disease of alcoholism.

The Twelve Steps were written by the founders of the AA fellowship as guidelines to aid alcoholics find a better way of life without the use of alcohol. We who have become aware of their philosophy of life have found these steps invaluable in our “Search for Serenity”.

We have found that most of us have created needless mental, physical, and spiritual problems ourselves because of our own COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR. The dictionary gives us a psychological definition of compulsion as being: an irresistible repeating irrational impulse. The Big Book refers to “self will run riot”. We may also think of compulsion in terms of “excessive wants that dominate our normal needs”.

Examples of compulsive behavior might include:

Alcoholic Drinking

Drug or Chemical dependency - both licit and illicit

Over-Eating or Over-Dieting

Sexual promiscuity

Hypochondria or Denial of physical illness

Emotional insecurities

Excessive need for:

Power, Acceptance, Approval, etc.

Excessive need to:

Work or Play, Succeed or Fail, Win or Lose, Gamble, spend money impulsively or be miserly, talk or be silent, Smoke, Drink Coffee, Speed or drive recklessly, Control, Impress, help others when not asked, etc.

The purpose of this outline is to help any persons become aware of the actions and reactions involved in their daily living which have caused them to become compulsive.

This guide for AA’s Fourth Step was written by AA’s. We have adapted the original to fit any person involved in a Twelve Step Program so that they might become better aware of their own compulsive behavior.

References:

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as The Big Book

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services

One day at a Time in Al-Anon, by Al-Anon Family Group

Inner Conflicts and How to Solve Them, by Dr. Hugh Missildine and Lawrence Galton

Inner Child of the Past, by Dr. Hugh Missildine

Special recognition to the people in the program who have given freely of their time to help themselves and others.

It is suggested that you say the 3^rd Step Prayer before thinking about or writing your 4^th Step, so that it will be a fearless process that includes your Higher Power instead of a fearful process.

THIRD STEP PRAYER:

God, I offer myself to Thee.

To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.

Relieve me of bondage of self, that I may better do

Thy will.

Take away my difficulties.

That victory over them may bear witness to those I

would help

of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life.

May I do Thy will always.

Fourth Step Inventory - General Directions

Buy paper and pen and start writing. The Big Book says on eight different occasions that we WRITE OUT this step. It’s the writing down that helps trigger the release.

It has been our experience that we all have compulsive behavior which needs to be controlled. Thereby, the problems that were caused by the compulsive behavior will disappear. Which leaves us with the problems that CAUSED us to become compulsive. And there, as you are perhaps beginning to find out, are the ones that stay painfully with us unless we do something about it. (In the past, they were so painfully with us that we needed an escape to relieve the pain.)

We seemed to always can QUIT a compulsion. We just couldn’t STAY quit. In taking Steps Four through Nine, we are doing certain things which we find will bring us to a point in life enjoyment and comfort whereby we no longer need to be compulsive. We don’t need compulsive means to escape because the problem has been bled off.

It has been our experience that it really does not matter particularly what your intent is when you take Step Four. Or what your attitude is. Or what your ideas are as to what it will do for you and how. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU TAKE THE STEPS HONESTLY AND TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY. Quit rationalizing that you’ll take it better if you take it later … or after you have been in the program longer … or any of the other lame excuses that all of us who have gone before you have used.

As compulsive human beings, we all wanted to excel - really excel - at some activity or other. May we suggest this: if you ever decided to get with it (not perfectly, but the best you can honestly do) right here and now is a good time to get with it. A thorough Fourth and Fifth Step will give you more relief and comfort than you have any way of knowing. This is the action that can lead to a real joy in living … the sort that you may not have experienced since early childhood (if then) … something that you have been searching for but couldn’t quite find.

Step Two does not say, “Came to believe IN a Power greater than ourselves …” but “Came to believe THAT a Power greater than ourselves …” could help us become sane, happy people. For instance, the Group is greater than I am as an individual … which would make it a Greater Power. Whatever you look to as a Higher Power, you must remember that in Step Three you turn … not just your compulsive behavior, but your will and your life … over to that Higher Power. So that whatever is uncovered in the process of taking Steps Four and Five … whatever your difficulty … you must remember that you have TURNED IT OVER … and then keep on plowing ahead.

The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) suggests that we take Steps Four and Five immediately after Step Three. You’re starting now to take Four so set up an appointment RIGHT AWAY to take your Fifth Step. Select a minister (being sure it is one who understands the problem, but one who will not “moralize” at you), or a doctor, or a close-mouth friend in the program. Give yourself about a month to finish Four. And don’t put off starting Four because you can’t find anyone “suitable” to take Five with.

Let us stress again; you are not graded on spelling, punctuation, or grammar. This Fourth Step is for your eyes only. You’re going to tell it to someone, but this is for you. If you decide to erase or scratch through something, DON’T DO IT. It might be one of the keys that would unlock some part of your personality that is now hidden from you. And remember, you can’t take a PERFECT inventory, but you can do your honest best. And let us assure you that your honest best certainly will be very good.

The book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions states: “Creation gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn’t be complete human beings. If men and women didn’t exert themselves to be secure in their persons, made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter, there would be no survival. If they didn’t reproduce, the earth wouldn’t be populated. If there were no social instinct, if men cared nothing for the society of one another, there would be no society. So, these desires … for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship … are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given.” (p.43)

It is when these instincts are warped and bent out of shape that we get in trouble, for their distortion brings pain. The compulsive behavior helped to escape from such pain. And this is what your inventory is about … to help you recognize those instincts of yours that are warped and out of control, and develop awareness of yourself and your reactions.

You will want to write out the resentments, fears, guilts, hates, and sexual hang-ups that you can remember. What you want to be aware of is your REACTION to what happened to you. A moral inventory deals with feelings both good and bad. Don’t get into what was done TO you (i.e. “I resented my mother because she favored my sister and didn’t love me” or, “I hated my father for whipping me in front of my friends”). Or what you did TO someone (i.e. “I used to tell on my brother so I’d look good to my parents” or, “I felt superior to my brothers and sisters because my parents favored me”).

Write down the things that you remember and feel the pain of embarrassment, fear, or guilt. Where were you at fault and what is it about it that hurts you now. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions read (p.51), “Since Step Four is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, it can be suggested that he first have a look at those personal flaws which are acutely troublesome and fairly obvious. Work on getting to the root of the problems now. Dig in and let the pressure begin to ease off.”

If you find that any question awakens some painful or distressful memory, put it down (even though it is not an answer to that question). SEARCH OUT AND FEARLESSLY PUT DOWN ON PAPER those things that are painful, embarrassing, fill you with fear, shame, or any other uncomfortable feelings (which could be guilt, rage, etc.).

This is a long outline. Don’t let it scare or dissuade you. Take each question and in your own words write out your answer - let it all hang out! Do not tear up any part of it. If you feel the statement you made was wrong, make a notation as to WHY it is wrong. Promise yourself to be honest and fearless. Trust us when we tell you that YOUR REWARDS WILL BE GREAT. Some people have been discouraged in taking an inventory because they don’t feel they have become honest enough, or can remember everything that happened to them. Just do your best --- your honest best. The same about memory. We - no one - can remember every incident of their lives, so deal with what you can remember. NOW.

Please keep in mind that the Fourth Step is not dealing with CHANGING anything. An inventory doesn’t change things, it simply lists things. Your inventory is only a story of your feelings and acts from the beginning until now. “We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.” (AA Big Book p.65)

Many have found that it helps to carry around a pocket size notebook so that they could jot down anything that pops into their head. It will be useful to you in your inventory. It really doesn’t matter if you write information down that could be slightly incorrect insofar as dates, places, etc. JUST GET IT DOWN! Arrange to have a safe place to keep your Fourth Step inventory. Nothing should be left out “because someone might see it who isn’t supposed to.” Once it is transferred to the main inventory you can throw it (the pocket notation) away. Remember, in Step Four we put down all of the things that we wince at … just remembering them we screw our eyes closed and think “Oh no!” or “Damn! Not that!” JUST WRITE IT DOWN. IT IS NOT HURTING ANYONE BUT YOU.

Read what the Big Book must say about the Fourth Step (p. 64-71). And the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions (p. 43-55).

The Big Book refers to the “… wreckage of your past …” and from this we are tempted to deal only with the problems left in the wake of our compulsive behavior … the problems outside of us. The problems were created as the RESULT of our compulsive behavior. BUT … Steps Four and Five deal with HOW the past has affected our world within. How our negative feelings about ourselves and others have wrecked us spiritually, mentally, and physically. The Big Book instructs us to WRITE about fears (hates), resentments (guilts), and our sex hang-ups. Breaking these instructions down into three parts helps to hurry things along. Most of our patterns are set up in childhood and early adolescence. Therefore, your inventory will be divided into three parts: 1. Childhood, 2. Adolescence, and 3. Adulthood.

At birth, we are exposed to our parents’ behavior, beliefs, expectations and attitudes. These were based on their parents’ behavior, beliefs, attitudes, etc. … back through the generations. So, since we can’t really pin the blame, let’s instead get about the job of finding the remedy.

Problems begin if parents were: too young, too old, too poor, too rich, too many children; only one child, wanted a boy and got a girl, wanted a girl and got a boy, parents didn’t get to finish high school, parents had to get married, parents couldn’t cope with responsibility, had to give up a career, had a lack of financial security, had too much money, were sick either emotionally or physically, threatened “not to love” children if they didn’t “measure up”, death of a parent, divorce, etc., etc., etc..

Sometimes mothers make their children feel guilty because they must work. (They usually appear as a “good woman” who has sacrificed her life working and depriving herself for her children). This attitude automatically puts the child in a NEVER-ENDING debt of guilt for being alive and so much of a problem. Or fathers play the same game by such statements as, “If I hadn’t had such a large family I could have been a great man …”. Some neurotic mothers try and make their children feel guilty by telling them what a hard time they had giving birth. There are parents who make excuse for your bad behavior … teaching you how to excuse anything you want to do; or parents who would not punish you and taught you how to put things off; or who overprotected you; or who gave you no tools to face life as it really is; or alcoholic parents; or parents who were cruel, setting up patterns of fear and withdrawal, Or parents who were too strict, forcing a child to act like an adult (which then forces the adult to act like a child - in search of a lost childhood). Or parents who pressure a child to be PERFECT, or gives them a model (sister, brother, friend, etc.) and constantly compares the child with the other person.

But remember, if you have gotten smart enough to figure out that your parents were your big problem, then you must go one step further and figure out what YOU can and will do about it. This is the purpose of the Fourth Step. The purpose is not your parents’ inventory, if the above paragraph sounded like it. It is to help you become aware of your attitudes, emotions, inappropriate behavior (and notice, please, that this is behavior inappropriate for YOU), so that you may begin life anew.

The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous and recurring troubles. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration or depression? Appraising each situation carefully and fairly, can you see where you have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset you because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if your disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do you lack the ability to accept conditions you cannot change? Do you feel that faith and dependency on a Higher power is somewhat weak, even cowardly? Has your inability to accept much on faith been handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness and unreasonable prejudice? Do you dissect spiritual beliefs and practices of spiritually-minded persons as a basis of wholesale condemnation? What would your choice be if you fearlessly had to face the proposition that God either IS or He ISN'T?

These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of your discomfort and indicate whether you are able to alter your own conduct and so adjust yourself serenely to self-discipline. Suppose an insecurity constantly arouses the same feelings again and again. You can ask to what extent your own mistakes have fed your gnawing anxieties, and if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can you do about that? If you are unable to change the present, are you willing to take the measures necessary to shape your life conditions as they are.

SUMMARY

Some of you will object to many of the questions posed, because you will think your own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. One can get a mind that is so “closed” that it doesn’t realize that it is closed. Because the surface record hasn’t looked too bad, many of us have been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these defects so deep under thick layers of self-justification. Sick justification that rationalized anything. Whatever the defects, though, they have finally ambushed us into compulsive behavior and misery.

Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection we write it out to get clear thinking and an honest appraisal. It is our first tangible evidence of complete willingness to move forward.

AND A FINAL WORD ……….

Please try and quit conning yourself that you need to get into the “right mood” to take this step. You’re in the right mood to take this step when you are ready to quit hurting and get well. All our lives, we have tried to “think our way into action”. This time we must “act our way into right thinking”. We who have taken this step can tell you that IT WORKS.

We didn’t know HOW it worked BEFORE we took it, and we can’t tell you HOW it works after we took it … so quit worrying about that.

What you are seeking is not mere “relief” … you’ll get that, don’t worry. What will come will be REAL JOY IN LIVING.

Believe us, you can get it, and a giant step toward getting it is to dump the accumulated garbage that you are now carrying around.

So, get your pen and paper and begin.

Final words before you start: If you honestly don’t know the answer to a question, then just indicate that you don’t know. But, try and answer each question the best way that you can.

And remember … if any question suggests an area of discomfort (trouble) then WRITE IT OUT … GET IT DOWN ON PAPER … GET RID OF IT!

REMEBER WE STRIVE FOR PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION!

CHILDHOOD

What kind of relationship did your mother have with her parents?

What kind of relationship did your father have with his parents?

Were you wanted at birth?

Write out the circumstances of your family at the time of your birth. Things such as: family size, age differences, financial status, was there laughter? Arguing? Depression? Were other relatives or people living with you?

In general, describe what you think your family thought of you. Did you feel your parents attitude toward you was different than other parents toward their children? How old were you at the birth of brothers and sisters? How did you feel about the new arrivals? Were either of your parents sick enough to require hospitalization? Were you separated from any important family members? Was there fear or guilt about this separation? … in other words, did you feel responsible?

Were you threatened by the Boogie Man, or the Devil if you misbehaved? If so, what were your fears in this regard?

A child is made to feel guilty about his or her normal sexual curiosity. This comes from being caught and punished for touching himself, or being caught masturbating, or playing “Doctor”, or for participating in group masturbation. Many parents tell children that sexual feelings are evil and must be punished. With no sex education, and given this sort of teaching, a child will naturally distort what he knows about sex. When a child is exposed to fully developed nude persons (for instance at home in the bathroom, or in public), he or she may begin to feel inadequacy in adult life, even after the person is a thoroughly developed adult. Write down any of the above experiences that make you feel uneasy.

Did you have a difficult time pleasing one or both of your parents? Were you constantly directed and redirected by your parents? Did you obey docilely? Did you have feelings of distress and boredom? Were you afraid of the dark? Were you afraid to fight? Or were you afraid not to fight due to pressure from your father or older brothers or others?

Did your parents submit to your whims and immature demands most of the time? Did you have temper tantrums? How did your parents punish you? By trying to reason, or was it physical? How did you react to punishment?

What kind of marriage do you think your parents had? If they fought, did you resent it? Did it scare you? Were you used to breaking up their fights? Did you take one side or the other? Were your parents preoccupied with themselves? Did they lack awareness of your needs? Was there an absence of affection, concern, or loving attention in your home?

If your parents were from different religions, did you feel confused about it? What idea of “God” was impressed upon you? Did you reject this concept because it seems inadequate? If you did reject this idea, did you imagine you had abandoned the God idea entirely?

Were you afraid of storms?

List all the feelings of guilt, fear, resentment you had toward each person in your life as a child (not your feelings now).

Did you feel you were “bad”? Did you put yourself into situations that caused others to punish you?

List the first time you stole anything. Inventory all your thefts.

How old were you when you first masturbated? Were you ever caught and made to feel guilty? Did you feel guilty even though you weren’t caught? What other kinds of sexual curiosity where you involved in (homosexual, animal, with any other members of the family, anything else)?

If you were named after someone, what was that person like?

Did you family move often? If so, did you make friends and then must break off the relationship so often that you became afraid to get too close?

Do you remember starting school? What were your feelings? Try to remember each successive grade in school and as you do, write out the resentments you felt toward teachers, pupils, anyone. Any fights? Slights? Hurts? Embarrassments? Put it down on paper!

Did you resent your relatives, friends, or parents? If so, list them. No resentment is too small to mention. The Big Book states, “Resentment is the number one offender …” (p.64)

What kind of language did your parents use? Were you ashamed of them for this or anything else? Did you ever see your parent’s nude? What were your feelings? Did you ever see or hear your parents having sex? What were your feelings?

In every family, a child usually has certain “chores” assigned. What were yours? Were they fair? Could you do them in ways that would please your parents? Do you remember longing for a carefree childhood because of the absence of play?

Did your parents seem to like your friends better than they, did you? And did your friends seem to like your parents better than they, did you? If so, did you resent this?

Any bad experiences at Sunday school? Or at summer camp?

Were you an only child? Did you resent this or enjoy this?

Did your parents want a child of the opposite sex when they had you? And did they name you, or dress you, to match their sex choice? Did your appearance (looks, dress, etc.) embarrass you? Did you feel you were different from your class mates?

Were you treated as a nuisance or a burden?

Did you test possible friends with hostility or obnoxious behavior? Did you force friends to abandon friendly behavior?

Did you feel your parents’ attitude toward you was different than other parents toward their children?

WRITE DOWN ANY OTHER CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT WERE/ARE PAINFUL. WHICH OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS ABOUT CHILDHOOD WRE THE TOUGHEST FOR YOU TO ANSWER? DO YOU KNOW WHY?

ADOLESCENCE

Often an adolescent relies on the misguided sex information obtained from his peers. This can produce many severe problems; i.e., never outgrowing the desire to have sex with the opposite parent, brother, sister...sometimes the desire for sexual activities with the parent of the same sex. Although these are unconscious desires, they bring on conscious feelings of guilt that must be dealt with. Distortion may come when a person is too young emotionally to handle adult sex. There is involvement because of peer pressure or the desire to please another. Not being in touch with adult feelings, pretense sets up which then leads to anger, disappointment, guilt. These feelings, in turn can tend to prevent normal sexual and emotional growth. The guilt prevents the person from talking the feelings out with a mature adult, which may result in a need to repeat the same pattern repeatedly.

Write down your experience concerning the above, both heterosexual and homosexual.

Some girls are taught that men are interested in sex only, and some boys are taught that they must be "the greatest of all time". These attitudes are destructive and damaging to the total person. Have you experienced either of these attitudes? Is there a pattern? How has it affected you?

Did you have friends when you were an adolescent?

Did you consider friendly overtures a possible trick?

Did you have feelings of complete worthlessness?

What kind of friend were you?

What interest or lack of interest did you have in school?

How was your social life?

Did you participate in sports or creative activities such as music, art, etc.?

What were the reasons for your participating or lack of it in these activities?

Were you a troublemaker? If so, in what way? Did you destroy property? Did you resent leaders - either physical or mental? Did what seemed to satisfy others provide no satisfaction for you? Did you tend to drift, to lack initiative, to be short on persistence? Did you feel a passive discontent? Did you resent not being the most handsome or beautiful person at school?

Did you feel a coward because you didn't want to fight? Or did you like to fight? Were you a bully? Did you feel embarrassed because boys made fun of you or girls avoided you? Were you very sensitive to rebuff or seeming slight and almost automatically hostile?

Did you have a difficult time pleasing yourself? Did it bother you if you made mistakes? Were you overly concerned with every detail?

Some people feel inadequate as adults because they were at one time exposed to youngsters more developed at that time. Were you exposed to other children in gym class or the rest rooms who were older than you and more developed physically? How did you feel then? How do you feel now?

Did you drift in and out of relationships?

Did you suffer intensely from insecurities and tend to keep people at a distance?

Did you feel that deep down you lacked an identity of your own?

Did you resent not being part of a crowd? Or not being a leader? Or not being "in"?

Were you shy or outgoing? How are you now?

Does any person make you shy?

If you dropped out of school, explain your feelings and reasons.

Did anything happen to you in high school that was a continuing source of shame?

Did your parents compare you to other family members or friends? Did you resent them for wanting you to be like someone else?

How did you get the attention of your family?

Did you have great longings for someone to care for you? Did you try to appear self-sufficient, independent of others, detached, aloof? Did you pout, sulk, be a good child, have temper tantrums or act like a dummy?

Do you remember the kind of lies you told (if any)? How did your feet when you got caught lying?

What was the most embarrassing incident of adolescence? Are there any others that you remember?

Did you have great difficulty in giving or receiving love and affection?

If sexual feelings were discounted and "put down" in your family, there is a strong possibility that you will feel guilty about them. 'We "catch'' attitudes. A boy who's pushed to always do better, or is criticized no matter what he does, may find himself having trouble in his sexual performance as an adult. Or a girl who has been told that it is not okay to feel sexy may grow up to dislike her own body and distrust her feelings.

These attitudes create unnatural or uncomfortable sexual behavior. Did you "catch" any of these attitudes? Can you see such attitudes cropping up in your life now? First sexual intercourse: what were your feelings? Did you feel guilty? Did you feel disappointed? Be as explicit about the feelings as you can.

List in detail any homosexual experience, masturbation fantasy, or other sexual activity that you remember from this time. Keep in mind that we are not concerned about "with whom" or "on what date" or "how often" rather, we are concerned about how you felt about the experience.

Did you get someone pregnant? Or become pregnant yourself? What did you do and how did you feel about your actions?

Were you ashamed of your parents? Were they too old, too fat, too sloppy, too drunk? Too whatever?

Did you have the kind of clothes that other kids wore?

Did you give the spiritual side of life a fair hearing? Did you choose to believe that your human intelligence is the last word?

Was there enough money for the things you needed? If not, were you resentful that there wasn't? If there was, did you take it too much for granted? Did you feel any brothers or sisters got more than you did? Write out your feelings about money as an adolescent. Did you tend to be impulsive?

Did you tend to dominate some or many aspects of your life?

Were you the kind of child you would want to have?

Were you a thief?

Were you ever double-promoted (skipped a grade)? If so, did you have trouble catching up emotionally? Were you held back? How did you act? How did you feel? Did you feel uncomfortable because you were younger or older than other students?

Were you undependable as a friend, breaking off relationships without any explanation when someone or something that seemed better came along?

Did you pit one member of your family against another?

What was the best experience you had during this period of your life? The worst?

We've covered a lot of ground on these questions. Now, is there ANYTHING that made you particularly uncomfortable when writing about it? Have you put down EVERYTHING that you can remember now that bugged you then? Even the simplest, most nit-picking things are important if they trouble you. Put them down. Now.

ADULTHOOD

Are you afraid of getting too close to another person for fear of being rejected?

Do you test your relationships repeatedly, looking for slights or any indifference to find some ground for complaint?

Do you reject others before they can reject you?

Are you so thin-skinned that you have trouble admitting any human weakness? List some of your weaknesses that you can accept. How well do you accept yourself in your own humanness? Are you able to be less defensive about these weaknesses?

Define love. What do you feel it is? Do you drift in and out of relationships? Does it seem that people mean little to you? Do you feel the desire for mothering? For active caring? For unlimited acceptance?

If you are married or have been married, list the things you and your mate had in common and what your goals were at the onset of your marriage. If you have been married more than once, do this with each marriage. Now list the things that were different between you.

If you married a cold unloving person, ask yourself why you chose that one to be your mate. Did you use it as an excuse to find new romances? Was your mother or father cold and unloving? Is this your chance to get even with them through your spouse?

Why did you get married? Or, why haven't you gotten married? Was the marriage for the right reasons? Did you marry earlier than your peer group? Later? Do you accept or resent the responsibilities of marriage and family? Do you share in the responsibilities for the families' problems?

Are you able to be cheerful when everything seems to be leading to despair?

Do you resist the impulse to complain to others about your situation? Are you able to forgive those who have injured you?

Do you continue to assume excessive responsibility if there is no longer a financial need?

Do you allow your family to come between you and your spouse?

Do you make excessive demands and expectations of your spouse?

Are you able to admit that you have no authority or power over any other human being?

Do you create a pleasant, cheerful environment? Do you try to?

Do you feel all human beings are basically good and sensitive?

Are you still a baby in your parent's eyes and take advantage of it?

Are you a baby in the eyes of your spouse?

Do you infringe on the rights and dignity of others?

Have your parents gotten you out of trouble you should have been able to handle by yourself?

Do you gossip about others?

Are you comfortable with someone who is less fortunate than you?

Do you know how to respond to the needs of others? To give of yourself?

When, and how, and in just what instances did your selfish pursuit of sex relations damage other people and yourself? What people were hurt? How badly? Did you spoil your marriage and injure your children? Did you jeopardize your standing in the community? Just how did you react to these situations at the time? Did you burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Did you have bouts of depression? Or did you insist that you were the pursued and not the pursuer and thus absolve yourself?